To coffee date or not coffee date? That is the question.

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Recently there has been a lot of talk around the concept of "coffee dates", and whether they are an acceptable form of dating or not. Many people, mainly women, have expressed their opinions on the matter - with arguably the majority of them preferring not to be taken out on a coffee date. Being a woman of a certain age (ahem) who finds herself still wading around in the dating pool, I couldn't help but follow the discussions around the topic in an effort to determine my own stance. Would I accept an invitation to a coffee date? Should any woman/man? Are coffee dates acceptable?

To be honest, in my years of dating as a younger woman, I had never been asked out for coffee. In the nineties and 2000's, which were my dating eras, I don't think that was even a thing. It was typical for guys to take you out to a movie or dinner or both for a first date. Teens perhaps could be seen getting a booth at a specialty ice cream place like Haagen Daz or nice pizza restaurant like Pizza Hut. There were booths, the ice cream or pizza was served on nice dishware that included knives and forks. The setting was intimate and classy, perfect for relaxing and getting to know a person.

Not that this was perfect. You could be stuck on a date with someone you had no chemistry with, or worse. But to my mind smart daters could always find a way to curtail an overly tedious engagement without anyone falling apart. Mostly you would just go with the flow, enjoy what you could about the occasion whilst knowing that you may not have found your next boo. After all it is still possible to enjoy a good movie or nice food or lovely scenery with another human being even if there's no romance.

And this is how my dates often went. Typically they consisted of a movie, dinner/lunch, a concert/show or just a walk on the beach after grabbing some fast food and beer. Several were "failures" in the sense that I didn't end up with the other person. A few paid off at least for a time. The point is, I wouldn't have preferred to have not gone on those dates because at the end of the day, I enjoyed the experience. I think my dates did too. The movies I saw were good, the food eaten was great, the beach was fantastic ....you get the picture. Dating was about having fun!

So now to the concept of coffee dates. What many women have stated they dislike is these dates are too low effort on the man's part. They expect women to arrive looking their absolute best only to sit over coffee for what, half an hour at best, often fifteen minutes typically? And to be evaluated by a man during that time as though they have to prove that they are worthy of a subsequent actual date.

What men say is that some women use dating as a free meal ticket (really though? not to invalidate their experiences but I have thoughts...) and that they would indeed prefer to weed out the ones that are not worthy of their time and money before actually opening their wallets.

My perspective as a woman is this: I think men sometimes project their anger over their own bad choices onto women, the majority of whom are blameless. I think many of the men who complain about "meal tickets", choose to date women based on the most superficial features without first evaluating or even caring about personality. So if they find themselves being constantly used for a "free meal" perhaps it's because they are dating women who have more looks than integrity. Then when they meet a woman who has both things going for her but she happens to prefer not to pursue a relationship, she gets lumped into the same boat as the freeloaders they are accustomed to attracting.

You see, if you as a man look at someone like myself who is attractive, educated, gainfully employed all her life and successful, and decide that me saying "no" means I used you for a free meal - then you have to be somewhat slow. The math isn't mathing brother. Women like myself, and most women besides, have lived our lives providing for ourselves and others - happily so. We wouldn't have it any other way. So why would we get all dressed up and go on a date with a stranger for the sole purpose of fraudulently obtaining a plate of food? Bruh, we already own the restaurant. Duh!

So to my mind men are being disingenuous when it comes to that perspective.

Personally I agree with the women who say coffee dates are too low effort. Going on a date can be a simple act that serves many complicated purposes. Ostensibly you are there to get to know each other and that can happen anywhere it's true. But a woman would have to be pretty foolish not to also pay attention to the man's spending ability, his attire, his manners, his overall demeanour etc., before deciding whether to continue to see him. The only men who would deride women for noting those things, are the men who have nothing to offer a woman in the first place.

So no I don't think coffee dates are a good idea. I am a firm believer in standards - clearly since I'm still looking at my big age. However it has only ever served a woman well to keep her standards high, and lowering them has often brought on deadly ills. Now there can be exceptions. There may be situations where a coffee date is the natural best choice for the individuals involved. Perhaps schedules are tight, or there is some nostalgia involved, something that makes it special to be meeting for coffee. As long as it's a mutually agreed upon venue, not somewhere he picked because he wants to do the least whilst filtering through a bunch of women to find a "diamond" he doesn't have to pay for. For me, I want a little more enthusiasm on the man's part. Something that says he cares about my enjoyment of the date as well as his own...whether or not we end up together. It might be wishful thinking but so be it. I'm firmly in camp real date over coffee date...otherwise I'm quite happy staying home with the bear! 🤣